Johnson’s Divine Comedy

The year is 2315. The planet is Spunk and it is light years away from the solar system. Spunk is much like a 21st century earth; countries, continents, all sorts of life, democracies and a population of 9 billion people. Within Spunk is Great Smitten; a developed western country of 60 million people, ethnic diversity, a colorful past and social cohesion. However, something strange is happening in Great Smitten. Smitten has been featuring prominently on global media because things are changing in Great Smitten and times of great uncertainty and panic have struck the shores of the Great Smittish people. A sense of upheaval is lingering in the air because Smitten has voted to leave the Boss’ Union (BU [The Boss is the great continent in which Smitten rests]).

It is 10th of October, the time is 11:15 and Johnson Dunno is due to address the nation later on in the afternoon; he is due to inform the Great Smittish people of the proposed plans and stipulations attached to the Gobbledygook Agreement (the Smittish people voted to leave the BU in a referendum known as the Gobbledygook Agreement. Gobbledygook is also known as Article 99). Johnson Dunno – the prime minister – assiduously reads over the speech that he has prepared for the afternoon’s public broadcast. He rehearses his rhetoric from the comfort of his private salon while his make-up artists and celebrity hairdresser glam him up for the eagerly awaiting paparazzi. Magazines, newspapers and tv stations will be vying for the hottest shots of the prime minister’s exclusive outfit. The world will be salivating to uncover what brand of hair gel he’s wearing, where he got his tie from and whether or not his suit cost £1,000 or £10,000. What he’s going to say won’t really matter because most of it never makes much sense anyway. All that matters is that Johnson Dunno and his fellow elitists receive their princely pay package and have plenty of fun while they do so regardless of whether or not their whimsical decisions have ramifications for the ordinary people. On the faraway future planet of Spunk they have a title for this slapstick charade of global theatricals; they call it politics.

At 13:05 the prime minister is ushered out of the ministry’s playroom by his overtly sensual secretary and mistress. She winks at him, licks her lips and beckons him out onto the veranda where the pulpit awaits in front of thronged crowds, cameras, journalists and radio personnel. His secretary had indulged him with fellatio for breakfast to help him de-stress for his sweeping speech, so, he is feeling confident. His wife (a woman that is not his secretary) wishes him good luck as he marches out into the open. The time has come for Johnson Dunno to address the world. He struts out to the pulpit flanked by two of his closest allies; the Minister for Deceit and the Minister for Bad Decisions. The three aristocrats take a selfie for social media before Johnson Dunno braces the microphone. The crowds fall quiet as he croaks to clear his throat. He commences his speech:

“Dear People of Great Smitten,

As you all know we came together to remove ourselves from the Boss’ Union in a referendum held in March of this year. What started off as a joke in the pub has now become a reality. Today marks the deadline for the final deal that has been granted to us by the Boss’ Union. So, without further ado I will now formally deliver the regulations of the Gobbledygook Agreement’s final deal.

We have decided to trigger the Nonsensical Amendment which effectively means that nobody – including ourselves – knows what’s happening or what might actually happen in the future.

Today’s deadline is again extended to another unknown date upon which none of us have yet agreed, so, in effect this is not the deadline at all.

Immigrants of a certain background will suffer further scrutiny commencing on October 25th.

Our national healthcare system is to receive further cuts in exchange for the construction of a rooftop golf course on government buildings.

Modernized trade barriers are to be imposed and legislation concerning old borders between neighboring states will enter fresh negotiations.

Thank you, all of you, and may God save the queen.”

Johnson Dunno and his cohorts bowed before the nation and then they waved goodbye and retired into their luxurious government dwelling. The crowds cheered in celebration as fights broke out and tears of heartbreak streamed like rivers. Deportation officials beamed with joy. Pubs advertised happy hour to celebrate yet another final deal decreed by parliament.

The day that followed filled the planet with excitement and confusion. Front pages of newspapers featured headlines such as; Smashing Selfie On D-Day. Johnson’s Hair Immaculate For Yet Another Final Deal. Immigrants Will Have To Go Home. The people of Smitten dragged themselves from their slumbers and eased themselves into their unsteadied routines. Sly News – the most popular news station in Western Boss – spent the day broadcasting all of the most pressing matters related to the Gobbledygook Agreement. One angry farmer in the midlands expressed his opinion on live television; “I fink that Johnson Dunno fellow is a right bloomin’ nutter. Look at what he’s after gone and doing now. I can’t sell my bloomin’ farm product in the BU anymore. The midlands is gonna starve now. We’re all gonna be bloomin’ poor again and the whole province is gonna be back on social welfare. It’s just not bloomin’ good enough.” In Northern Smitten an elderly man aired his personal opinion on national television; “I’m absolutely delighted. I think it’s been a jolly old triumph right from the beginning. I recall fighting in the Smittish Army when we tried to colonize the entire planet. Gosh, that must be nearly 100 years ago now. Anyway, I just think it’s delightfully splendid to see a prime minister stand up for what we believe in here in Smitten. What a jolly good victory it is.” However, more pressing than any opinion piece on the 11th October, 2315 was the breaking news about the prime minister’s world tour.

Anchorman Kate Perfect frantically interrupted a live discussion on Sly News to inform the public of an urgent announcement. Ms Perfect stepped into the spotlight of the media to inform viewers of an important message concerning Johnson Dunno’s plans for the future. Sly News aired a brief commercial break before Kate Perfect delivered her message. The commercial break consisted of the usual striptease; advertisements for expensive holidays that nobody can afford, bank loans with exorbitant interest rates and designer clothing endorsed by celebrities such as Johnson Dunno himself. When the commercial break was finished Kate Perfect read out a statement on air, the statement outlined Johnson Dunno’s immediate plans to travel the world on a private jet financed by the undervalued tax payers of Great Smitten. He intended to take selfies and shake hands with at least 15 ultra-rich world leaders and dictators of planet Spunk. He claimed that the motive for his world tour was “to promote peace and unity in the world.”

Dunno’s world tour kicked off just one month after his final deal/nonsensical amendment speech. He went from country to country with his wife, some bodyguards and a few fellow elitists from parliament. Everybody on Spunk tuned in to follow his journey. He left a trail of airbrushed photos and sanguine status updates on his social media profiles.

When he visited Imikhstan he drank a milkshake with the king and attended a public stoning event. In the People’s Republic of Finflaps he participated in a protest against democracy. During his visit to Sasha he signed a firearms agreement and dressed his wife up as a prehistoric slave to show respect and admiration for their ancient traditions. Johnson Dunno’s world tour became a wet dream for the media as record numbers of avid followers sent communication networks into overdrive. There was no doubt about it – Johnson Dunno knew how to get the public talking. The last stop of his world tour for world peace was the United States of Disparity (USD).

The president of the USD – Daniel Swamp – welcomed Johnson Dunno with open arms. Smitten and the USD had good rapport with one another. They were culturally similar and both represented first world freedom and prosperity. Swamp and Dunno spent a few days together talking about western civilization, fiscal matters and international relations. The world burst into a frenzy when – on the last day of his world tour – Johnson Dunno made an announcement with Daniel Swamp to tell the world that they would be forming a coalition to “collectively nuke a culturally outdated country of hatred and opposition.” Their announcement informed the world that there were “strange forces plotting against the West” and that “if we don’t destroy these monstrous rapists now they will blow us up with weapons of mass destruction.” Swamp went on to say that the USD had sent undercover spies to the Middle East to investigate suspicions concerning world terrorism. It transpired that his spies had uncovered a theory suggesting that “almost all bearded men dressed in turbans are a threat to public safety.” Finally, Swamp and Dunno urged their native people to be on high alert when in close proximity to civilians matching the description of stereotypical terrorists. Johnson Dunno’s world tour for world peace drew to a close and on that note he packed his bags and with wife and entourage in tow he returned home to his noble people of Great Smitten.

In the weeks that elapsed after Dunno’s return from his world tour there were trade embargoes initiated in Great Smitten. The embargoes were part of the Gobbledygook Agreement. The embargoes were pitched to the Smittish people as a flawless strategy that would “indefinitely strengthen the Smittish economy and increase wages across the board.” Instead, the embargoes led to a decline in Smitten’s international trade activities. Foreign investment began to depart from Great Smitten and GDP started receding. Wages for working class and lower-middle class people stagnated while the whipsaw effect of higher taxes and inflation made matters worse yet. A sense of inexplicable bewilderment permeated throughout the nation. More tension was introduced when a border between neighboring states was re-erected for the first time in 47 years. Society broke down and angry mobs vented their hysteria on the streets. Bad things were happening to Smitten and the prime minister had a lot to answer for, so, he made arrangements to address the nation (and the rest of the world) and explain the multitude of problems that he himself had helped to create.

On the 25th December, 2315, Johnson Dunno sat down on his newly built rooftop golf course to address the maddening world that lay before him. He was being broadcast live on hundreds of networks across the planet when he began to speak. He started; “I – Johnson Dunno, prime minister of Great Smitten – am facing the world so I can allay the fears and the…” Mr Dunno was interrupted by the sound of an airplane flying dangerously low overhead. On live television that was airing all over the world Johnson Dunno squinted at the impending doom above him before dropping his jaw and screaming in terror. At that moment a Boeing 747 crashed into Johnson Dunno and the government building of Great Smitten then crumbled into a whirlpool of deadening dust.