– We’ll give you the benefit of the doubt Oisin. You’ve got the job. Can you start on Wednesday?

– Oh absolutely boy I can’t wait to start!

– Amazing Oisin. We’ll see you here at 9am on Wednesday morning so.

– Thanks a million Sean. I’ll see you on Wednesday. Thank you so much boy.

As the clock struck 09:52 on Wednesday morning he arrived at the door. Bright-eyed, bushy-tailed and discombobulated from the sleeping tablets that he swallowed less than 6 hours previous. His initial thoughts when he walked through the door were “here we go. I’m only 52 minutes late. That’s not too bad now boy!”

Faking a sprained ankle to explain his late start he hopped through his first day in glorious fashion.

His new colleagues didn’t know what to think of him. Who was this random stranger and how did he end up here? What was his background, and how come he stopped limping as soon as he left the office?

Whoever he was, he initially left a trail of mystery and laughter behind him.

He seemed like a funny chap. He was brand new in town. He introduced himself as Oisin Hernàndez from Cork City. Half Spanish, half Irish, and yielding a Cork accent so thick that the effect was comical with his dusky Spanish complexion. Adding to this his new address was in Rathkeale, he mistook it for a posh staycation tourist town when he first moved in, because of all the caravans that were parked in the vicinity.

…

There was a touch of the raconteur about him, and he loved nothing more than recounting stories about his own wildly entertaining life.

– Well boys ya should have seen it. She was spreadeagled on the bonnet with her legs up over my head. The other young wan was sitting on her face. I was bangin away like a jackhammer boy and the headlights just flashed all over us. Car pulls up and who is it that catches us – her fuckin boyfriend, and no joke, her mammy and her brother in the car as well. Byjaysis boy I just pulled my cock out and ran off down the road. No pants on me nor naaathin. Ended up walkin around the town that night with no pants on me the whole night, naathin but my Canada Goose jacket and my Gucci runners boy. Ended up banging another young wan then on the way home. Am telling yee boy them garls are naathin but trouble. Wish I could just meet one that’s not a headcase.

– Hahahah. Oisin man you’re gas.

– Hahah hilarious man. How do you end up in these situations? You’re wild.

– He’s so funny. Oisin how many girls have you banged now?

– 355 and I’m losing count. I’m telling yee I need to settle down. My cock will fall off boys.

…

Between bouts of social interaction and storytelling in the workplace he managed to do very little work. His new employers started feeling a bit disappointed as he wasn’t living up to the hype of his high-flying CV and award-winning interview. A cynic could be forgiven for thinking that Oisin might have lied throughout the application process, but he was hilarious and he expressed affection for his new workplace, his teammates and his managers, therefore his managers gave him extra time and support to help him succeed at his job.

…

Oisin impressed his own pattern into his new job. His pattern was one of random attendance and casual wear. Some days he would turn up 3 hours late. Some days he just wouldn’t turn up at all. Often he arrived without the appropriate business dress; instead sporting outfits of ear rings and white runners. His colleagues looked on in awe as he seemingly embraced his new job with no adherence to the most basic standards of practice.

Eventually he was questioned about his commitment to the job. During a meeting with his managers he broke down in tears and cited his granny’s recent death and ongoing depression as factors affecting his performance. Therefrom he promised to get his act together and he vowed to present himself as a new man that would never let anyone down again. He promised to see a counsellor and get a grip on his mental health. The day after this very meeting he failed to turn up at work.

…

– Oisin what does that tattoo say man?

– Haha I knew you’d ask me about that boy. You can read it if you look closely:

i-d-i-o-t

– What the fuck man why do you have “idiot” tattoo’d onto the back of your leg?

– Haha its a long story sure I fell asleep at a party and when I woke up it was on me. Was a wild night of shaggin and drinkin boy. That’s what you get for going to freak offs in Cork City boy. Am telling yee if yee haven’t been to a freak off yee haven’t lived. They used to do crackin freak offs in Cork boy. I used to go down there every weekend and get up to my eyeballs in sex.

– That’s gas Oisin I’ve heard about them freak offs. I’m telling ya, yer some man for one man Oisin. Do you have any more tattoos?

– Ah sure I have a few boy. I have this one here:

LUST

– And then I have another one on my arse but I won’t tell yee how I got that one.

– Haha no way Oisin what do you have tattoo’d onto your arse? Go on and show us.

– Ah boys yee are cunts having me show yee all this. I knew I shouldn’t have worn shorts to work today. Go on sure I’ll show yee:

Hedonist

– That was some mad young wan that put that one on me. Sure I don’t even know what it means. Was in a gaf party one night and she said if yee let me tattoo yer hole I’ll give yee a blowjob boy. I said let me cum on yer face and we have a deal. Dirty bitch took a big thick wad of cum all over her face and I ended up with this on me arse. Am telling yee boys them garls are naathin but trouble.

– Hahahah

– Hahah

– Hahaha ohhh Oisin man you’re some boyo.

…

– Honestly Sean I was so close to her. I was in bits the last week after the funeral. That’s why I couldn’t come in. Honestly now I’m trying to get over it. I’ll definitely turn up to work now every day this week I promise you.

– Come on Oisin. We’re sorry to hear about the death of your granny but this is the third time that you’ve had a granny die in 2 months.

– Is it? Oh shit. I mean, that was my auntie that died 2 months ago, I don’t know why I told you it was my granny. I think I was just so depressed that I got it mixed up. That’s what depression does to you Tom, but I’m getting better now. I promise you now I’ll get a better grip on things. Just give my mental health a bit of time to recover and I promise I’ll never be in this position again.

– You’re gonna have to get it together Oisin. We can’t keep giving you any more chances. Unless we get a really good attendance from you and a really good effort here we’re gonna have to let you go. Is that fair enough?

– Byjaysis Sean that’s fair enough. You won’t need to have another meeting with me again. I promise you now.

– Ok Oisin. We’ll see you tomorrow.

…

As far as work was concerned Oisin’s performance was in dire straits. 3 months into the job he was still clinging on by a miracle. If it wasn’t for his “charm” he would have been let go within the first month, but nevertheless he was still on board after 3 months, and he was still promising the sun and the moon and the stars, so his managers continued to give him the benefit of the doubt, even though he was the least dependable employee that they’d ever had.

However outside of work he seemed to be operating with flawless standards.

He boasted a lavish lifestyle of beautiful women and wild parties.

His airbrushed photoshopped social media profiles and dating app profiles showcased a lifestyle that resembled Keeping Up With The Kardashians or Love Island. Online he emphasised his fake teeth, fake tan and toned body, aided by steroids. Offline he was 5 foot 5 and barely-average looking at best. He also had hairy ears.

…

There was irony in the juxtaposition between his online and offline lives; online he was a glowing superstar, offline he was hopping around Limerick from one substandard dwelling to the next, ripping off landlords, failing to pay his rent, getting kicked out of properties and borrowing money off anyone that would lend it to him.

In reality he was sort of living on the brink of homelessness and unemployment, further complimented by a constant state of impecuniosity. He was constantly harassing his workmates for a lend of money, despite the fact that he was earning the same wage as everyone else while scamming unemployment benefits and receiving pocket money from his parents.

He was averse to anyone that questioned his dubious nature. He could sense it when people got a whiff of something fishy off him, and he struck off all suspicious individuals as “naysayers” or “forces of negative energy.” To him such people were touts, rats or snakes. He deleted any and all “naysayers” from his social media accounts. He created his own little online bubble where he was a perfect celebrity, and he made it so that the grim reality of his offline existence could not penetrate the antipodal universe of his online presence.

…

Although he brassly claimed to be Ireland’s most irresistible Don Juan, his closest peers knew that he wasn’t actually getting all the gold standard action that he bragged about. In truth he was busy in the sack, but mostly only busy with porn, prostitutes and unattractive women. The truth about his sex record was that it included homeless drug addicts, transsexuals and an 80-something year old wheelchair-bound grandmother.

Oisin also had a passion for younger ladies, and he had tools that helped him pursue that passion. He had a handful of fake IDs that trimmed his age down from 35 to 18, and he had a few fabricated stories to pitch himself as a 1st year psychology student.

His passion for younger ladies cost him a golden week of attendance in work.

On a winning streak of turning up to work for 4 days in a row, he went out to quench his thirst one Thursday night.

Armed to the teeth with cocaine, fake IDs and Viagra, he won himself some luck with a young lady from Moyross. They ended the night in his squatter. While she was asleep he went through her purse for €50. The next morning he called her a taxi home and gave the taxi man €20 of the money he’d stolen from her, to get her home safely. Then he sat in bed all day wanking, watching porn, sleeping and smoking weed. He also rang his boss in the middle of a wank, and he cried his heart out on the phone and explained how he couldn’t turn up to work again because his granny had just passed away.

…

WhatsApp: Rachel Moyross xxx

– Oisin u gowl will u anser yer fuckin fone. Uve given me crabs u boggin cunt. My muff is on fire. And syphilis 2 u cunt. Ur a durty boggin fucker Oisin. Ur fucked when I see u.

WhatsApp: Oisin Hernàndez

– USER BLOCKED

…

– No Sean I’m not going into that meeting. Its aload of shite. I know you’re going to sack me.

– Oisin, its standard process. You have to meet with HR today. You didn’t turn up to work again on Friday. You have a chance to go in there and explain your absence.

– I told yee Sean my fuckin granny died again and I’m heartbroken from it. Sure did ya not hear me crying the other day. I can’t believe you’re here now attacking me and attacking my mental health like this Sean. Have yee no respect have yee.

– Oisin please, calm down. I think its best if you attend the meeting today and just try to explain your absence when we’re all in the room together. Also Oisin you didn’t turn up yesterday either, and we rang you, but it seems you changed your phone number again?

– Well Sean do you know what. You can stuff your job. No I’m not attending another one of your shitty meetings today. I’m quitting now. I know you’re setting me up to be fired. And I’ll tell you the truth Sean, you’d wanna watch your team out there. I know Davos ratted me out and told you that I was out drinking last Thursday. I know because he saw me out on Thursday night, he was in the same bar himself because he’s an alcoholic Sean and I have video evidence that proves he’s an alcoholic. So you’d wanna watch your team Sean. Ya see you, Blaithnad and all the rest of them out there. All rats yous are, never trusted any of yous. So now fuck the lot of yous I’m out of here. I’m quitting.

– Ok Sean. We’re sorry it had to end like this. We wish you the best of luck in your future.

– Well seen as you’ve practically just sacked me will ya at least lend me €100 until I’m paid.

– I’m sorry Sean I can’t do that. You still owe me €70 from the lend I gave you a few weeks ago, and you only got your wages on Thursday.

– Right yeah so you’re a rat and you’re a scabby cunt. You wouldn’t spend Christmas Sean, you rat.

As he departed from the office for the very last time he spat on the wall and uttered curse words under his breath, and he keyed his manager’s new car.

In less than 4 months he had 21 sick days and 37 late starts. His granny had died 7 times. He splashed mental health excuses like they were garlic to a vampire. He also stole a microwave from the canteen.

His peers watched him as he left the office for the last time. One of his colleagues joked;

– I’d say that boy’s been fired more times than a Ukrainian Assault Rifle.

In his P Diddy branded fur coat he seemingly vanished out of town as quick as he came in, borne back ceaselessly into the past.

…

Facebook Messenger Anonymous

– Heya its Rachel from moyross here u boggin cunt. U can’t run from me 4ever. U got me pregnant u gowl. When my dad finds u he’s gonna kill u. Him and his mates tink ur a smelly pedo cuz I’m only 16. BTW my fanny is still on fire from the crabs that I got from yer small cock. Yer cock is the smallest I’ve ever had. Tiny for a 35 year old, and its sad that u need 60mg of Viagra to get a semi.

P.S. u were the worst shag ever, and that’s cumin from a 16 year old. U gowl bag.

Facebook Messenger Oisin Hernàndez

– User has blocked you.

…