Being a young unattractive guy is a bummer. As a 31 year old Irish guy who has felt unattractive, I believe that your level of attraction can shape; your outlook on life, your view of the world, overall contentment, mental health, confidence, social life, love life and of course your sex life. These elements of human life are interrelated and they are integral to sustaining a healthy balance in life. For that reason I think that the ability to attract desirable partners is a subject of importance for boys and men, yet it’s often not openly discussed.
There is good news for many guys who are not naturally godlike; there are things that one can do to make oneself more attractive. There is hope for some men who might feel hopeless, and embarking on a journey of enhancing one’s sex appeal can be rewarding and fun although challenging too. I am one such person that has been on such a journey and I think it’s cool to express my feelings every once in a while as it can remind people that there is nothing unusual about struggling with embarrassing issues in life. I have decided to write this article so that I can share some of my own experience, observations and ideas that relate to a hugely important aspect of life for many men.
As a man it is taboo to tell people that you’re upset because you can’t attract girls. It’s one of those things whereby men just suck it up and hold it down and I think that’s ironic because this day in age there is a “let’s talk about mental health culture,” but still men are too uncomfortable to say “my mental health is not too well because nobody is attracted to me.” The taboo of being a dating reject juxtaposed against the current culture of mental health advocacy is almost hypocritical of our modern age. My bold suggestion is that being unattractive may well be a mental health issue, because not being able to attract a partner can affect your mental health.
Feeling left out in the dark at nightclubs while women threw themselves at my friends is something that caused me sadness during my 20’s. In a weird way it was humbling and it helped me find my true self – or rather it helped me realise that which I am not – but also on the grand scale of things it was a process that made me question my place in the world. The recurring experience of joining my mates for nightclub outings in Dublin City made me feel like an ugly loser, and it wasn’t just nightclubs that heightened my sense of self-doubt.
By far the highest volume of rejection I experienced in my life came from dating apps. Tinder, POF, Bumble, OKCupid, Match, Hinge, Badoo, Tagged – I tried them all and they really did not do my confidence any good. Being rejected by almost every girl that ever views your profile is not much fun and for lonely guys who perhaps aren’t in the best headspace I would say that the experience of using dating apps could be quite depressing. I really do feel like this is a feature of modern society that is contributing to horrific mental health problems in men, but it’s just not being talked about because it’s too sensitive an issue.
While researching the negative side of dating apps I found an interesting comment on YouTube. The comment said something along the lines of “dating for women is like shopping, for men it’s like a job interview.” I thought this was a brilliant comment that coherently expressed the challenges faced by many men when it comes to pursuing partners. I also discovered statistics that prove just 4.5% of men get matches on dating apps ( https://usustatesman.com/economics-of-dating-2-the-brutal-reality-of-dating-apps/ ). Could it be that the majority 96% of men are just too ugly? While this statistic reassured me that a 100% rejection rate online does not make a man abnormal, it didn’t do much to alleviate my concerns of hopelessness for attracting a woman. It reminded me of a Jordan Peterson presentation when he said “the typical male experience is one of rejection, always rejection.”
Based on my own experience dating apps can be a bit like a hurtful gambling engagement in the sense that you can spend all day every day convincing yourself that “the next one will be a match, the next one will be a match, the next one will be a match,” but really there will not be any decent match ever, and the longer you gamble your time away the deeper the pain of rejection becomes until eventually you could find yourself criticising every aspect of your own appearance, kicking yourself for being so ugly, and despairing over your state of isolation while you remind yourself that you’re the loser of all your peers, because your peers only ever seem to bang loads of different girls and then boast about it. Sadly this is the very real reality of life for many young men. It was a real reality for me in my life. It can be an upsetting confusing predicament.
The quality of being unattractive – being a dating reject – although it might seem like a trivial problem, there is actually raw science that explains some of the powerful side effects associated with rejection. As human beings we have a massive fear of rejection and this powerful state of anxiety around asking a girl out stems from evolutionary biology.
Aeons ago when we were cavemen, it took an entire community of cohesive relationships to survive together through harsh conditions and threats in the wild. Being rejected and ousted from your tribe almost certainly meant you would perish alone in the wilderness, that’s where our fear of rejection has evolved from. ( https://marisapeer.com/fear-of-rejection/ ). Also we have evolved to yearn for a sense of acceptance, and we are wired to avoid pain. Getting rejected by a potential mate can feel like a painful blow to one’s confidence and need for acceptance, hence why many men fear the thought of asking a girl out on a date.
Then there is the discomfort of being made to feel self-conscious. According to psychologist Jordan Peterson, men don’t like being made self-conscious about their difficulty attracting a mate because it reminds them that they are of lower value than their peers. Perpetual rejection and celibacy is something that can make a man feel uncertain about the purpose of his life. Furthermore Peterson speaks scientifically about why men probably need a partner ( https://youtu.be/wFOkMQFzD1g ). Science of this nature is hinting at the assumption that being unattractive could perhaps be a big problem and one that should not be overlooked when assessing the full remit of (mental) health and well-being.
Having failed miserably with dating apps I went on to real life speed dating. As luck would have it I had no luck there either. I’ve tried speed dating now 4 times, and I probably won’t be rushing back to try it again any time soon. Being honest the first time I tried it I was nervous and a bit immature. However the second, third and fourth times I tried were a bit upsetting. Speed dating has been hard on me, and I’m not sure if I could recommend it to most regular guys, much like dating apps.
The last time I went speed dating the event turned out to be a scam in the sense that it was rigged to go against the men. As little as five girls turned up to the event, so the host planted two strangers from the pub into the event free of charge. This was done surreptitiously. I only found out about it because the two plants told me that they were plants, they were flying home from Belfast to Scotland hours after the event and therefore they had no intention of dating anybody. It left me wondering whether or not that event could have been classified as criminal fraud?
However every cloud has a silver lining, or so that’s what some people would say. Through pain comes growth; through trial and error comes new solutions. Living in resentment is not the most healthy way to embrace life, and although being unattractive can be an awfully upsetting attribute for men, it can also be a fantastic impetus to initiate change, growth and personal development. For many men, activating transformations can go a long way in making them more attractive, it just takes a few ingredients such as focus, willpower and determination. There’s scope to get creative too, and in the process one can morph into a truly better man which is all the more reason to get busy boosting your level of attraction.
When starting on a journey of progression the first thing to do is to get the mindset right. Transforming into a more attractive man can seem insurmountable, but if it is looked upon as a fun challenge rather than a hopeless endeavour, then that’s a good starting point. Of course things won’t change overnight, and the best progression requires commitment and patience, but like anything worthwhile in life the rewards can be fruitful for men that put the work in. Professional dating coach Tripp Kramer claims that one of the most fulfilling achievements in life is for a man to develop from a shy dating reject into a confident man of sex appeal. Tripp has devoted his life to coaching men in this field.
There are lots of things a typical gentleman can do to become more attractive if he is not blessed with the royal flush of a divine phenotype. For some men the starting point can be as obvious as losing weight if they are too heavy, or bulking up if they are really scrawny. Good hygiene, skin care, grooming and smelling good are other obvious habits that should be employed, and although these sound like universal standards, Jordan Peterson claims that there are an abundance of grown men out there that don’t even exercise these basic fundamentals.
Moving on from the fundamentals things like clothes and style can be hugely impactful. If you’re in your 30’s, dressing smart and sophisticated might be more age appropriate than tracksuits, however you can get creative with clothes and style, and if your true self is funky and colourful then you can express that through the clothes you wear.
If you have hair put a cool style into it, maybe get playful with your hair too. If you don’t have hair maybe buzz it short, perhaps even have fun playing around with sexy hats.
If accessories, tattoos and piercings feel like your true self, and if they make you feel cool, then include them in your presentation. Making yourself stand out a little bit (in the right way) can really make women curious about you. Striking a balance between clothes that fit well, look well and make you feel well will help you feel more confident in your own skin, and that there is the most sexy attribute of them all – confidence, not to be confused with cockiness!
Try to develop confidence! Confidence is a skill that comes with practice. For some men it will take time to develop, but you owe it to yourself to be confident because you only get one shot at life, and confidence, boldness and ambition are the sparks that will drive you to get what you want from life.
It is good practice to avoid wasting your time on girls that aren’t interested in you. Try to find real connections rather than superficial ones because real deep spiritual and emotional connectivity with a partner will lead to a more beautiful experience than something that is borne out of manipulative guile.
Some of the things that I’ve personally executed in my life include; hair transplant surgery to make me more content and confident with my appearance, exercise to stay trim and athletic, going easier on myself. I used to put pressure on myself to try and “score” girls, I realise now this was stupid so I don’t do it any more.
Break away from old social patterns and people that aren’t helping you initiate change; I stopped going to nightclubs and such events because I just don’t shine at my best in those places and I’ve learned to accept that that’s ok. Girls that hookup with guys at nightclubs are not looking for guys like me and that’s fine. Creativity can lead you to find that there are more ways to meet people than nightclubs and bars; there’s loads of clubs, groups and social activities that don’t involve traditional boozy nights out.
Although it may seem paradoxical, one of the best things you can learn to do is to change your attitude to rejection. Rejection is going to be par for the course, it can’t be avoided. Yet if you learn to change your relationship with rejection and the fear of rejection, you can come to feel more confident in yourself. Look upon the pain of rejection as being similar to the pain of lifting weights at the gym; every time you lift weights at the gym it leaves you feeling sore but after that pain subsides your muscles grow bigger and stronger. The same logic applies to the pain of getting rejected; the trick is to embrace your relationship with rejection and anxiety in a format that nurtures growth. However I would avoid dating apps because the rejection rate online is out of your control whereas in real social settings factors such as communication skills, body language, eye contact and humour have more power, and these are some of the skills that can only be developed through practice in real life.
I would also recommend checking out books, podcasts and maybe even video content on this subject of attracting women. Although I haven’t read it I believe Mark Manson’s Models is a great read for guys that want to make themselves more attractive. The Confidence Gap by Russ Harris is a book that gave me some little tools to help with my mindset. I’ve listened to some Tripp Kramer podcasts, some of them have interesting information. I would also say it can’t harm to be articulate, read, make yourself interesting. Being good at something or passionate about something is an attractive trait too, be it cooking, rollerblading, painting or anything else you can think of. This is good reason to learn or practice something and find fulfilment in doing so.
To finish this article I’d like to reiterate that being an unattractive man is a total bummer and it’s something that probably gets a lot of men down from time to time. It also has to be said that there are probably limits that can be reached by most men; not every man is going to be able to win dates with an infinite number of women. Some men are liable to see more excitement than others. Some men are so terribly unfortunate that they may not be able to hope for much success at all, but the majority of regular guys out there can probably see a healthy improvement if they make an effort to improve their level of attraction.